As the fifth box of Uncrustables hit the grocery store conveyor belt, the cashier gave me an odd look.
“You must really like these things,” the cashier chuckled.
The inspiration for that statement could have come from the fact that it was Saturday night at 10:45 PM, just fifteen minutes before closing, or me asking multiple employees if there were any other secret flavors available.
“Actually, it’s for work.” I answered the cashier as if my plan to take an NFL scout’s approach to ranking all of the Uncrustables flavors was reasonable.
What the cashier did not know was that I still had to find three more flavors to complete the eight-flavor list. My next stop had just two of three needed flavors, and my third and final stop of the night was a bust. Like the film of an unknown Division III prospect that you just could not get your hands on, Reduced Sugar Peanut Butter & Grape Spread on Wheat was inaccessible.
The clock was rapidly approaching midnight, and my dream of a doctor recommended eight hours of sleep was evaporating. The next morning was day two of Shrine Bowl practices and my unsuspecting colleagues, Sam Bruchhaus and Matt Stopsky (affectionately referred to by just his last name) would be tasked with joining me on a jam-filled journey.
What follows is an attempt to apply subjective and objective scouting methods to the Uncrustables sandwich lineup in a food-based equivalent of the NFL Combine. There are measurables, grade cross-checks, and even a final Uncrustables Big Board.
Welcome to the 2025 Uncrustables Combine.
Measurables
At the NFL Combine, draft prospects weigh in, have their arm length measured, and prepare for the biggest job interview of their life. At the Uncrustables Combine, seven boxes of bread and spread waited patiently in my car for lunchtime. The measurables for this project would be sandwich temperatures and nutritional information.
According to Smucker’s, Uncrustables should be kept frozen until ready to eat. They should then be thawed at room temperature for 30 to 60 minutes and consumed within eight to 10 hours. Though some Uncrustables veterans recommended I test the sandwiches right out of the freezer, I was not prepared to store a mobile freezer. The manufacturer also notes that fully frozen peanut butter could present a safety hazard. Though I ran the risk of giving an incomplete evaluation like a scout only watching one game before delivering a player’s final grade, I hoped standardization would help the results.
For full data transparency, eating accountability, and potential recreation, I documented my process. I understand if eating the sandwiches thawed out voids the entire process for some. All seven boxes were removed from the freezer at 7:53 AM. They were shuttled in a car with an internal temperature setting at 68 degrees Fahrenheit (with the A/C setting off) for 28 minutes with an outside temperature of 47 degrees. The sandwiches waited in the car in limited sunlight until 12:07 PM as the outside temperature inched to 49 degrees. All flavors were ushered back to a hotel room during a 15-minute drive with a 70 degree in-car temperature before first bite at 12:28 PM. The last bite took place at 12:44 PM.
The 16 minutes of eating featured six burps across three sandwich scouts and total nutrition facts that I am not proud of. There were no palette cleansers, water was limited, and there was no time to mentally prepare for the next flavor. My first burp came after the third bite of my second sandwich, I started to feel queasy around sandwich four, and I almost tapped out at sandwich five.
After seven sandwiches, I felt exactly how you would expect someone would feel after throwing down seven bready globs of peanuts and sugar. My body may have been in shock, which could be explained by the following:
The Class at a Glance
In every NFL Draft, positions are stacked up with historical comparisons. One year is the best offensive line group of the decade while the next year has a thinner quarterback group. Applying that to this Uncrustables class was tricky but important.
My research (I texted a friend that has kids) showed that Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly is the most commonly available flavor and therefore is the public’s default #1. Still, seven sandwiches had to be ranked, and it did not matter if each one deserved a first-round grade.
After the 1440 calories were consumed, it felt like a down year. Blood sugars spiked while taste buds were tested. Sifting through the high volume of bread felt like filtering a prospect’s film for the plays that would translate to the pros.
One sandwich scout thought the fillings were too sweet and wanted to keep the comment anonymous (it was Sam). A long discussion broke out on the differences between jams, spreads, and jellies. Empty bellies were filled, but hearts may have left unsatisfied. In the end, the Uncrustables Big Board was created.
The Uncrustables Big Board
1. Peanut Butter & Raspberry Spread
When opening up Peanut Butter & Raspberry Spread, the room fell silent. It could have been all of the digestion and regret setting in, but the belief was Raspberry Spread could not dethrone the classic Grape Jelly or even challenge Strawberry Jam. Not even our most open-minded sandwich scouts could picture a raspberry flavor as a pairing for a peanut butter scheme.
It ended the day as my favorite with its distinct flavor and refreshing aftertaste. The Raspberry Spread differentiated itself from the other flavors with a polished taste that the class lacks. There is a chance that this is not meant to be an everyday sandwich, but I would be happy for it to be on my team.
2. Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly
Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly was the first sandwich consumed and ended up second on our Big Board. Despite legendary reliability, the jelly distribution created some uneven bites, and the peanut butter wasn’t an ideal texture. Grape Jelly’s reputation was strong, but the results felt average. It ranked fourth on two individual rankings, but Stopsky gifting this a first overall ranking bumped it up the list. Whichever way you cut it, Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly is a starting caliber sandwich.
3. Reduced Sugar Peanut Butter & Strawberry Spread
Reduced Sugar Peanut Butter & Strawberry Spread created conflict as it ranked first, third, and sixth amongst all three eaters. The lightness of the spread was noteworthy, and it ranked above Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam for two scouts. The reduced sugar (by three grams) actually led to a heightened sweetness that encouraged more bites and landed it at #1 on Sam’s personal Big Board.
4. Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam
A reductive scout tried to argue Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam tasted the same as Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly. Another said that Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam had a Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly poster in its locker. Nonsense comments aside, Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam does not live up to Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly. It could sustain itself, but we cannot view sandwiches in a vacuum. When faced with the choice of which box to grab out of the freezer section, tough decisions are required and informed preferences best serve the eater. Unfortunately for Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam, it couldn’t break the top half of our Big Board.
5. Chocolate Flavored Hazelnut Spread
For what I assume to be legal reasons, I cannot call Chocolate Flavored Hazelnut Spread a Nutella sandwich. This sandwich stretches the definition of an Uncrustable as it is a super sweet dessert that is pretty much a cookie. I ended up ranking this one second overall because I appreciate a swing for the fences. It is not a sandwich for everyone, and one of our sandwich scouts even recommended eating this with vanilla ice cream. For me, this one is worth the risk with the potential for All-Pro payoff in the right hunger situation.
6. Peanut Butter
The Peanut Butter sandwich was built for a specific moment. That moment was not the Uncrustables Combine. The lack of an accompanying flavor put this sandwich in a tough spot given the competition. Peanut Butter would benefit from returning to school for another year to develop its game.
7. Peanut Butter & Honey Spread
Peanut Butter & Honey Spread should probably come with an FDA warning. It is not a sandwich meant for consumption and was universally loathed by our group. It was an unfortunate part of the day, and I hope you do not have to experience it. The honey felt like medicine, but it did nothing to alleviate the building stomach aches.
What We Learned
I am not sure we learned anything here. This was probably a bad idea. The worst part of writing this was reliving the eating process. I do not recommend trying this at home, on the road, or anywhere else.
The possibilities are what still haunt me. What if Reduced Sugar Peanut Butter & Grape Spread on Wheat was the best Uncrustable available and my inability to find it ruined the Big Board? What if we ate them all at the wrong temperature? What if my manager was not on vacation and stopped this piece from seeing the light of day?
The prospect possibilities are paralyzing, but the reality must be navigated. Such is life in the Uncrustables Combine and the NFL Draft.
